


this is what it feels like

by asaprockme



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Exes, I'll add more tags later, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-08 11:58:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10386159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asaprockme/pseuds/asaprockme
Summary: "Is that my shirt?"





	1. like heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> found this prompt ("Is that my shirt?") on tumblr and originally planned on just making it a one part/drabble thing but I couldn't help myself and decided to make it a multiple part story. It won't be too long, at least I don't want it to be, and I already have plans for what I want to happen next so. I really shouldn't even be uploading this yet because I still have other stories that need to be updated but oh well. gonna do it anyway because apparently I love torturing myself :)
> 
> Anyway, here we are. This is unedited, as always. Hope everyone enjoys.

Niall hasn't seen Harry in what, months, he supposes? He isn't exactly sure, hasn't really been keeping track of it all since things between them dwindled, since things fizzled out and they, over time, forgot about each other and learned to live their lives as separate beings, on their own. Of course he hasn't completely forgotten about Harry; Harry he's—he's quite hard to forget about, really. You don't just stop remembering someone like him, but you can stop thinking about him. And that's exactly what Niall has done, too, although he can't help how memories of the younger lad, of the moments they shared, of the stories they've told, of the things they experienced together sometimes suddenly pop back up in the back of his mind as if they've been there forever, as if they've gone nowhere, as if they've never left Niall's head. And sometimes it'll happen, sometimes memories of the life they lived together will come back to him, almost like deja vu, when he looks at something that seems familiar to him, or when he hears certain sounds, or when he tastes certain flavors, or when he dreams of certain things that feel like real life only to be nothing but unconscious fantasies in the end. Sometimes Niall will think of Harry, at times he cannot choose or see coming, but that's all it is before the memories fade once again and he focuses back on the life he lives now. On his own, without another person by his side to share the journey.

Niall hasn't seen Harry in months, maybe even closer to a year, he's got absolutely no idea, yet there he is, no less than five feet away from him, standing tall in those stupid, brown boots Niall notices he still hasn't bothered to get rid of yet, in those almost skintight black jeans that look as though they've seen better days, in that long peacoat with the ruby red lipstick stain smudged into the fabric at the front from that time when he—you know what, it's definitely a long story, but there Harry is, in the flesh, stood right before Niall and—and now is kind of feels like he can't breathe.

Because Harry's hair is short now and Niall's not used to seeing him this way. Because Harry's hair is no longer flowing past his shoulders, free and wild like it once was, but instead cropped down to where he could barely run his fingers through it and cut even shorter at the sides. Because Harry's fingernails are painted black, the dark polish chipped on most of his fingers like he'd picked it all away. Because he's got a bit of stubble ghosting the edges of his jawline, a faint shadow of hair trailing along his skin that Niall's very curious about how it got there all of a sudden since Harry's never been able to grow a beard, he's never really been blessed with facial hair like most men typically are, and—and it's weird. It's not the same; Harry isn't the same as he remembers.

He doesn't know why that makes him feel funny inside, all uneasy and jittery in the pit of his stomach, doesn't know why his skin is starting to crawl, why he feels the need to twitch all these feelings away, why he feels anxious all of a sudden, for reasons he wouldn't be able to explain even if he tried to. It's just Harry, he has to tell himself, but maybe that's the problem, maybe that's the thing.

And it's not a problem per se, but another human being shouldn't make Niall feel this way—he hasn't thought about Harry this vigorously in months. Harry hasn't crossed his mind in this way in so long, and maybe that's why he's so unsure of himself, so unsure of what to do next. It's driving him crazy.

Niall should go. He should leave, pretend like he never even saw Harry standing in the same bookstore as him, staring at the long shelf of novels in front of him like he is now. He should leave and toss this moment to the back of his head until it becomes nothing but a distant memory and he starts to wonder if it actually happened in the first place. Maybe he should turn back around, walk away and leave the visual of Harry Styles, in the flesh, right here on the floor he stands upon and never look back.

Niall should go. He should go, but he can't.

He can't turn away, can't dart his eyes into any other direction than the one Harry currently occupies—maybe he's stuck. Maybe this is what it feels like to be paralyzed. Or maybe, maybe the sight of Harry, a sight he hasn't seen in months, is what's keeping him at bay. Maybe it's the fact that he hasn't seen or heard from him in so long that's making it so hard to look away.

Niall hasn't seen Harry in months, no, but seeing him right now makes him feel like they never spent time apart, like the two of them never strayed.

_It's been months_ , Niall has to remind himself, _I shouldn't be feeling this way_.

But he does. Oh God, he does. And it's not like he wants to, not like he likes it either, but he just can't help it. He can't help how strong of a force the younger lad has on him, can't help that Harry's someone who captivates your entire mind, who steals every inch of your soul without even trying. Niall can't help that, even after all these months, he's still so drawn to Harry. He should've known, really. He should've known it'd be hard to stay away once Harry came crashing back into his life like he knew he would all along. Niall should have known he'd never fully be able to let go.

He should leave, and that's exactly what he decides to do in this very moment before it's too late and he changes his mind. He hasn't picked up the book he planned on getting today, before Harry Styles took over his head and ruined all of his plans in a single moment without even realizing it, but that's okay, he can always come back some other time. Harry still isn't even aware of Niall's presence yet, so he's got plenty of chances to dash before the opportunity vanishes. Niall kind of hopes it stays that way.

But of course, as always, the universe has other plans in store for him today. Of course, the very second he decides to go, to turn around and head in the opposite direction, that's when Harry decides that he should do the same, too. And Niall's not given a chance to escape before Harry faces him all of a sudden, before green irises catch sight of blue eyes blown wide, before whatever it was that Niall had been feeling inside, deep down in his chest, burst into flames and his whole body feels like it's being consumed by fire as the seconds on the clock tick away.

Harry kind of does a double take, then, furrows his eyebrows as he looks Niall's way with nothing but confusion written ever so clearly on his face. Niall's heart sinks down to the pit of his stomach. His knees lock up and he's back to feeling like he's paralyzed all over again.

And Harry's voice is nothing but a deep buzzing in Niall's ears that makes his whole body feel numb, that have his limbs tingling with the goosebumps rising on the surface of his skin. "Niall?" Harry calls out to him, and for a second Niall has to remember if that's even his name after all. It is, he comes to the conclusion, but hearing Harry say it again after going so long without it makes his name sound brand new, like this is the first time anyone has ever referred to him as that.

Harry strides forward, closing the gap between the two of them with only a few short glides before they're both stood in front of one another, face to face. He looks even better up close than Niall remembers, but that only puts him more on edge than he already is. Niall's silent, unsure of what to say, what to do, what to think, but Harry doesn't seem to mind if the smile that spreads across his face so easily is anything to go by. A set of dimples appear on either side of his face, the same ones that Niall grew to love more than anything else in the world back when they were _NiallandHarry_ , back when they were so inseparable that it was as if they were conjoined at the hips.

Niall misses that time, now that he thinks of it. He'd never admit that out loud, though. He barely even wants to admit it to himself.

"Niall, hi." Harry speaks up once again in that slow drawl of his that's still very much embedded into the back of Niall's mind. It's hard to forget someone like Harry. Niall doesn't think he ever will. "S'been so long, I—I couldn't even tell that it was you for a moment. Thought I was dreaming or something."

It's difficult not to smile, not to copy the breathy laugh that Harry lets out once he finishes his sentence. Because Harry's smile and his laugh have always been quite contagious, it's like some sort of reflex, like you don't even have to think about what you're doing before you do. It's so easy, even after all these months, it still feels just like before. Niall can't tell if that's a good thing or not yet, but right now it sort of feels like it is.

Harry blinks at him oddly, and that's when Niall remembers that he's still not said a word since the two of them caught each other's gazes. "Um," he utters, a harsh flush of red building up in his cheeks. "H-hi, yeah, it's... it's been a while, yeah."

Harry's smile widens, then, and Niall feels his heart starting to fizzle in his chest again. "You look good." Harry compliments, eyes flickering up to the top of Niall's head for a split second until they land on icy blue once again. "Finally easing up on the blond now, I see, huh?"

"I—" Niall laughs nervously, wishing the tiny earthquakes rumbling in his fingertips at the moment would just stop it already. He's nothing but a pile of nerves right now, anxious as ever and jittery like he always tends to get at times like these. Harry was good at that, at calming him down whenever Niall's anxiety started to act up. Would know just the right things to say, all the right things to do, hold his hand, glide a soothing palm across the span of his back, kiss his temples, whisper sweet nothings in his ear until he felt okay again, and— "'M gettin' a bit tired of it now, if I'm being honest." Niall points a shaky finger to the small sliver of blond hair left at the top of his head. "It's a lot of work to keep up with, y'know?"

"I know," Harry nods, looks at Niall as if he's just threw a lasso around the moon and tugged it down just so he could place it in the palms of Harry's hands, looks at him just like he used to when their souls were once intertwined and they swore they'd be together until the end of time. But things change, and so do people, and nothing lasts forever, as depressing as that is, it's nothing but the truth. The world goes on whether you like it or not. "You used to say it all the time."

And that's the issue: Niall doesn't really want to be reminded of the past. He supposes they had move on for a reason, supposes things changed because that's the way it was supposed to be. He doesn't want to be reminded anymore. Doesn't want to remember a time where he felt like he had it all when he's no longer got such a thing anymore.

The silence that follows Harry's comment is nothing but awkward, floating around the tops of their heads like a gloomy rain cloud to ruin someone's day. Niall's gaze flickers down to the floor, focusing on the shoes that cover their feet, on the way his fingers won't stop twiddling, won't stop picking and scratching and tugging at the fabric of his jeans wrapped around his skinny legs.

"So, uh," Harry starts again, cutting through the unspoken tension like butter and a hot knife. Niall hates how the sound of Harry's voice makes him look up almost instantly, hates how even after all this time his fucking ex boyfriend still has this kind of effect on him. It kind of sucks but oh well. "How have... how've you been? How's everything with you lately?"

_Really?_ is what Niall wants to say, wants to roll his eyes and scoff and burst out laughing but refrains from doing so, forces himself to keep it all in for his sake. Instead, he lets out a long puff of air, shrugging his shoulders a bit and stuffing his hands into his pockets before his eyes dart back down to floor and—wait. "Is that..." Niall trails off with a scrunch of his face, eyes landing on the striped pattern covering Harry's torso instead of letting them stay glued to the ground like once before. "Is that my shirt?"

"What?" Harry takes a quick peek at the shirt he's currently wearing, the one Niall is one hundred present sure he stole from him when things... ended. He looks pretty nervous, kind of taken aback, and that's what gives him away, that's how Niall knows for sure that his assumptions are right. "Oh, um, I—"

"That's my shirt." Niall repeats as a matter of fact, taking a small step forward. His eyebrows furrow and he squints his eyes as he glares at the fabric like it owes him money. "I spent fucking weeks looking for that, I—I thought I lost it."

"Niall, I—"

"That was my favorite shirt, Harry," Niall looks up at the taller boy, "you knew that. You knew it yet you still stole it away from me, even after everything that happened between—"

No. Niall doesn't want to be reminded of that time. He's gone months and months and months trying not to let that moment consume his mind, but now that it's all coming back to him, it hurts worse than ever before. Niall had never felt a hurt like that before until Harry decided that things between them weren't good enough anymore, that they suddenly weren't meant to be, that Niall wasn't the galaxy, the whole world, the moon and the stars combined like Harry once told him that he was. Niall had never felt a pain like he did when Harry stripped everything from him, when he ripped his own beating heart out with his bare hands and squished it into the ground that he threw it upon, and to this day he wishes he never had.

There's nothing like heartbreak, nothing like thinking you have the world and then some only to be told you'll have nothing, not even a grain of sand, in the end.

Niall should've left when he had the chance. Niall should have turned around and walked away and went on pretending as if he never even saw Harry's face in the first place. He's never been good at listening to his head, though. Wonders if he ever will.

"Niall—wait, where are you going?"

"I just... I have to go." Niall mumbles as he turns around and starts to walk away. And he doesn't stop himself either, even when he hears Harry calling out for him a few more times, even when his mind is screaming go but his heart is telling him to stay. But he doesn't listen to the heart that Harry once stole from him only to shatter it like delicate glass in the end. He obeys the voice in his head this time telling him to go, begging him to go on and never look back.

And he does. Niall walks away just like he told himself he'd do all along and tries to convince himself that the Harry he just saw and spoke to not long ago was nothing but a figment of his imagination, nothing but a faded memory of what used to be at the back of his mind that he'll soon come to forget about, that he'll one day brush away.


	2. like you never even cared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Did he even actually give a shit about you anyway? Did he even fucking care?" ___

The worst part about it all is that Niall can't forget about the past no matter how hard he tries to. And he's tried; tried to keep it all behind him where it belongs, tried to erase every single memory they ever shared, every single promise, every single touch, every single kiss, every single 'I love you', but it's no use. It's no use because no matter how hard he strives, it all comes back to him, in some way, somehow, haunting him like a ghost, creeping up on him at times he can't foresee.

And it sucks, really. Sucks knowing that in the back of his mind, no matter how bad he denies it, he'll never fully be able to move on. Well, not now anyway. And he knows, he knows it's only been about a year, but a year is a pretty long time, too long to be hung up on a person who he once thought was the whole world and then some but only turned out to be just another planet in the vast galaxy they live in.

It's not fair either. Not fair how Harry got to be the one to cut the string that once bonded them together and now Niall's the one who has to be miserable way after things stopped being. It's not fair that Harry gets to seemingly become a whole new person, someone that feels so foreign to the person that Niall once knew, while he's stayed the same: still heartbroken, still hurt, still holding on to a past that he can never get back.

Although he loves to deny it, has tried so hard to keep his wandering thoughts at bay, he knows it's nothing but the truth. Yes, he's still just as broken-hearted as he was all but a year ago, and maybe it's about time that he comes to terms with his own delusional denial. Maybe it's time that he stops trying to shield himself from what he wishes were false, time that he allows himself to accept his truths so that he can finally move on once and for all.

And he will, move on that is. One day, he'll finally toss away that Harry file he's had saved at the back of his mind for months and go on with his life how he should have all along. It'll be a long process, he's sure, dreadful even, but it'll be worth it. Because he deserves this, he deserves the proper happiness he should've had all along.

***

Niall tried to forget Harry. He tried to throw every tangible thing that belonged to or even reminded him of Harry away, tried to avoid anyone who knew the younger boy. He erased his phone number, even tried to erase the digits from his head, too, but that was no use since the numbers were practically embedded into his brain, tattooed at the back of his mind like ink stuck permanently on skin. Niall unfollowed him on every social media site, blocked his accounts only to unblock them right after just because he didn't have the heart to do such a thing, even though Harry all but tore it apart, split it in two, stabbed him in the artery that allowed Niall to live his life. And Niall deleted pictures of them on Instagram, on Facebook, off his phone, his computer, only to end up recovering every single image he removed, only to save them onto a flash drive for him to keep just in case. In what case would that ever be, he isn't too sure about that but something in his mind told him not to do it, not to take things that far.

Niall tried to forget about Harry, wanted to pretend like he never even knew him in the first place, like everything they went through together was nothing but a dream that he'd soon wake up from, but that much was impossible. You don't just forget about someone like Harry. Niall wishes it were possible, though.

Wishes he could just leave the thought of Harry alone, leave the memory of them briefly reuniting in the past; the smile on Harry's face, the chipped polish covering his nails, the familiar stain of red on the fabric of his coat. Niall wishes he could get Harry out of his head, wishes he weren't so curious as to what he's been up to, how he's been doing lately, if he—if he happens to miss Niall as much as Niall hates to admit he misses him, too. But he is, and he doesn't know why (or rather he'd not say it), but he can't seem to help himself. Can't seem to stop himself from reaching over and grabbing his laptop, from opening it up and clicking on the bookmark he has saved that'll lead him right over to the Facebook website. It's almost as if he has no control over his actions, like he can't restrain from scrolling over to the search box, from typing in 'Harry Styles', from clicking on the first page that pops up, the one with Harry's face and his bright smile and his deep dimples plastered right in his display picture.

And he's not sure what makes him do it, what causes him to scroll through his ex-boyfriend's page when he was so adamant on washing every piece of Harry left behind from his brain. Somehow, and he knows it won't but he's going to convince himself anyway, he hopes that maybe this will give him some kind of closure, that maybe stalking his ex will help him start his long awaited journey of finally moving on.

For the most part, Harry doesn't seem to have changed much. Despite some minor changes on the outside, Harry looks to be like the same person Niall managed to fall head over heels in love with. He's still got his photography job, the one that he always wanted and loved more than anything else in the world. He still engages in banter between him and his older sister, still leaves silly comments on people's walls and pictures and statuses like he always did because Harry was always goofy like that, always messing about and having fun no matter what is was he happened to be doing.

He's still very cryptic with the photos he chooses to share with all of his friends, still refuses to upload photos of himself save for his profile picture and ones that people tag him in. Niall finds himself smiling subconsciously the further he scrolls through Harry's page, finds himself reminiscing back to the good days, back to the great moments they shared, but then he stops himself, lets his lips settle back into a thin line once he catches himself. He wants to forget Harry after all. Forget, forget, forget...

So he sticks with his word, goes to click at the little 'x' at the corner of his screen to finally exit out of the page—honestly, what had he been thinking bothering to check up on the boy who broke his heart's life when he's supposedly attempting to _forget_ about him?—until something catches his eye, until that something stops him dead in his tracks, cursor hovering over the exit button in the top right corner of his computer screen.

It's a picture, one that kind of sinks Niall's heart even further into the pit of his stomach that it already is, even further than it has been ever since that horrible day about all those months ago. It's a tagged photo, of Harry and another guy, a guy who quite clearly isn't him, a man whose hand rests dangerously close to Harry's waistline, fingers clutching his side as if he never ever wants to let Harry go if he doesn't have to. A man whose lips are connected to Harry's jawline, just underneath where his and neck meet in the middle. Harry seems to be a little shy in the photo, covering his face with his right hand, but an effortless smile still sits upon his rosy pink lips regardless. And it kind of brings back memories, memories of the relationship he and Niall once shared, memories of when Harry would get a little camera shy every time Niall would try to take pictures of the two of them together because he was never really the posing type, always preferred to be the one behind the lens more than anything else.

It hurts, makes Niall's heart feel like it's been shattered into a million different pieces all over again, like there's nothing left of it but ashes and dust that he'll never be able to put back together.

He can't really breathe looking at the way Harry's left arm cradles the guy's waist, the same way he used to hold Niall; he can't really breathe as he goes to click on this new guy's page with shaky fingers and a heavy feeling sitting prominently in his chest. Jax Hoult, is what his name reads. Niall tries not to pay much attention to him, doesn't really care to anyway, either. His relationship status isn't marked as anything, and neither is Harry's, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Niall wants to forget, wants to leave Harry and everything that comes with him in the past, yet here he is, scrolling through someone's who happens to be in his life now Facebook page, because deep down he still cares, deep down he knows he'll never be able to set himself free from a boy like Harry no matter how bad he wants to.

There are a few more pictures of Harry in Jax's photo albums, mainly candid ones of the curly headed boy by himself with vague captions written underneath to go with them. There are some of them together, too, but most of which they're in with other people, group photos and such that don't really seem to give much about them away. Except... except for one picture. A shot of two hands folded together, fingers intertwined, locked together like links to a chain, edited in black and white with four simple words underneath to caption it off.

_Love of my life_ , Niall reads to himself in his head, and all of a sudden it's as if his heart stops beating completely, altogether, in the center of his chest. And he knows it's Harry, knows that familiar cross inked onto Harry's hand better than he knows himself, really. He goes to shut his computer immediately, tosses it aside and leans back into the sofa that he sits upon feeling empty, feeling less than, feeling like there's nothing else in this entire world that could possibly make him feel worse than he already does.

It's been about a year. It's been a year and here he is, here Niall is clutching onto the past, holding on to a love that he no longer possesses, to a time when everything felt right, when the thought of everything going wrong had never even crossed his mind before, not even once. Yet here Niall is, months later, still just a miserable as before. He's supposed to have moved on by now, he shouldn't be feeling this way. He's already gone so long ignoring that point in his life, trying to live it on his own only to have it thrown right back at him in the end.

Niall shouldn't feel this way. Niall shouldn't still be in love with the boy who tore his heart in half, but here he is, still very much so, still broken, still longing for something he knows he will never have again.

The hardest part about that? Trying to let it all go.

***

There's a knock on Niall's door, a knock that he wants nothing more than to just ignore, to just act like he doesn't hear and go on about his life, but he doesn't. He pulls himself upright, taking a deep breath in before letting it all out, and forces himself to walk over to the door to answer it. It's Louis, Niall's best friend through thick and thin (truthfully, Louis has been there for Niall for literally everything and he couldn't thank or love him enough for that), he finds once he pulls the door open after unlocking it. They stare at each other for a moment, Niall not knowing what exactly to say yet, and Louis looking like he's got more than enough on his mind that he just needs to get out right now, in this very second.

"You haven't been answering my texts." Louis gets straight to the point, like he always does. And Niall sighs, saw this moment coming way before Louis even knew it himself probably. He's not ready for their confrontation, but he supposes he's got no other choice now. "I worry about you sometimes, y'know?" He mutters, finally stepping inside. "I just—I had to check up on you."

Because Niall was a complete mess after things ended with Harry, worse than Louis or anyone else in his life had ever seen him before. He would ignore everyone who tried to get in contact with him, would keep to himself, wouldn't even come out of his room sometimes because of it. It was a dark time for Niall, one that makes him shiver anytime he thinks about it, but Louis was always there, right by his side no matter what, and ever since that point on Louis has always made sure to keep a close eye on him just so that Niall would never go back to that place again.

"What happened?" Louis stares deeply into Niall's clear eyes once he doesn't say anything, doesn't utter a single word. "You haven been like this since... since—"

_Since Harry broke up with me_ , Niall wants to finish for him, knows Louis was thinking that exact thing, but he says nothing. Niall only shrugs, goes to take a seat on his couch because he'd rather not talk about it, would rather not bring it all up again. Because that wouldn't be good for him, he doesn't think. Wouldn't be the right thing for him to do especially knowing how badly he's trying to jump on that path to forgiving and forgetting. Well, maybe just forgetting. Niall's not sure if he could ever forgive Harry for all he's done to him at this point. Doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive the person who put him through what was once the worst period in his life, who replaced him and fell in love with someone else not even months after they—

"Are you okay, Niall?" Louis interrupts his inner turmoil, and thank God. Thank God for Louis.

"'M fine," Niall says, lies, more like. And it's a silly thing to do, especially since Louis has the ability to read him like an open book, especially when Louis sees right through him and can tell that Niall is anything but fine, far from it even. "I'm just—"

"Not fine?"

No, he's not. But he will be. Soon, hopefully. One day. Someday, maybe.

"Look, Ni, I know you can be stubborn sometimes, but I'm really only trying to help you here. I don't think you realize how much it pains anyone to see you so down."

Niall doesn't want to talk about it, no, would rather not bring it up, but the thing with Louis is that he's not one to give up so easily. He'll press and push until he gets what he wants, and sometimes that trait of his can get on Niall's very last nerve, but he's gotten used to it by now. It's pretty hard to dodge a person like Louis, nearly impossible.

Niall huffs out loud, bringing a hand up to run his fingers through his mostly brunet hair before he opens his mouth to speak, to let Louis in once and for all. It was bound to happen anyway. "I..." he starts off, voice soft and low, eyes glued to the fabric of his blue jeans covering his knees. "I ran into Harry the other day."

The room is silent for a second, nothing but the sounds of Niall's delicate breathing, nothing but the sound of the short gasp that falls from his best friend's mouth. "Niall..." he says, eyebrows slowly rising in worry.

Niall shakes him off with a movement of his head. "We—we kind of talked for a bit and everything was fine until—until I noticed that he was still wearing my shirt even after all this time, and it was like, like everything that happened came flooding back in when... y'know."

"Wait," Louis frowns, "he was wearing your shirt?"

"Yeah." Niall nods, wanting nothing more than to squeeze his eyes shut to get rid of the image of Harry standing before him in _his_ striped shirt in the middle of the bookstore for good. Before it all came back to him and makes him feel even worse that he had in the past few days. "The one I thought I lost."

"Well, he's got some nerve, walking around like—"

"He's... he's got a new boyfriend, too, Louis."

"What the fuck?" Louis practically screeches, sits up straighter until he's perched on the edge of Niall's sofa and turns his body so that he can face Niall properly. "Since when? It's only been about a year since you two finished and he's already found someone else?"

Niall kind of feels numb as the thought of Harry and this Jax guy come back to him, as the pictures of them come rushing back into his head again, as those four dreadful words keep replaying themselves over and over and over again to the point where Niall feels as though he's going mad. Since when? Since when did Harry officially move on from him, Niall can't be sure, but it couldn't have been long, he doesn't think. Because even though it seems like the easiest thing, you don't just fall in love with a person that fast. Even Niall hadn't fallen in love with Harry as quick as this; it'd taken him months to come to his senses, took him awhile to open up to Harry, to finally give into him and let his heart take over in the end. There's no way, Niall refuses to believe it.

"You know what? Fuck him."

It's Louis who says those words, Louis who scoffs at the sound of Harry's name, who twists his lip up in disgust at everything Niall has just explained to him. And although Niall's kind of feeling the same way right now, hurt, disgusted, betrayed in a way, he still doesn't like to see anyone slander the boy he was once in love with. It won't help anyway. Won't make Niall feel any better, won't make him feel any less. Won't change what's already been said and done. "Louis..." Niall utters in a chastising tone, one that a mother would use when trying to discipline her child.

"No seriously, Ni." Louis quickly waves him off, furrows the eyebrows at the top of his forehead and flares his nostrils angrily like even just the thought of Harry makes him want to do something drastic. And Niall knows he would, too, knows Louis would do anything when it comes to him. "Seriously, fuck him. I know it may not seem that serious, but I fucking hate him. I don't care."

"Louis."

" _No_ , Niall." Louis reiterates, even more stern than before. Niall makes sure to keep his mouth shut this time. Louis could be a tad bit intimidating when he wanted to. "He's nothing but a stupid, pretentious, arrogant asshole who thinks he can just walk around like everything's all flowers and sunshine after he broke your heart, after everything he put you through, and he still has the nerve to wear _your_ t-shirt—that he _stole_ from you, need I remind you—like nothing ever happened in the first place. _And_ he's got a new boyfriend, too? No, fuck that. Absolutely not."

And yeah, Louis's kind of right, but like, he's not in the mood to keep on going back to what was such a horrible time for him anymore. He just wants to forget about Harry, just wants to push all thoughts of him aside and just leave him, just get him out of his head for good. It already hurts enough to think about as is. He'll probably feel a lot better sooner the quicker they move on from such a sensitive topic.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Niall ends up saying. 'Cause he doesn't, and right now he's starting to wish that he never even brought it up in the first place. It's too much at the moment, too much for him to handle. He's done. For now, and hopefully forever, he's done. "It's—that's all over with, alright? It happened, I can't change that, so can we just... leave it as that? Please?"

"Alright." Louis finally gives in after a brief stare down with Niall, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat. "Whatever."

"Thank you." Niall sends him a barely there smile, but it's all he can manage at the moment—for now, it's enough. But of course the moment doesn't last long before Louis's opening up his big mouth again and ranting out loud as if the world is depending on his words to get by. Jesus fucking Christ, why is Niall even friends with him at all?

"He broke your heart, Niall! For God's sake, you were so _heartbroken_ and I. I fucking hate that prick for what he did to you, Niall. I swear to fuckin' _God_ I'll never forgive him for that, ever. Did he even—did he even actually give a shit about you anyway? Did he even fucking care?"

_Did he?_ Niall starts to wonder himself. Did he even care, because right now, when he thinks about everything, it doesn't really feel like it at all. Niall's never took the time out to think about this, the thought of Harry not appreciating him in the way Niall deserves has never crossed his mind before, but now? Now it's all he can think about, all he wants to know, all he'll probably never get the answer to either.

And he's back at square one again, feeling the same, never moving forward, only going backwards, only wishing that things could be different for him. He wonders if things will ever change, wonders if there will ever come a time when everything will be okay again. But as of now, sadly, he doesn't think he'll ever get the chance to know.


	3. like I can't seem to get away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"You never come 'round anymore." ___

Niall hasn't been able to sleep. Well, at least not pleasantly anyway. He can't sleep because all he sees when his eyes close at night are piercing green eyes, and all he hears is that awfully familiar deep voice, and all he can think about are stupid brunet curls and bright smiles that make things even worse, and the constant reminder of his painful heartbreak that he just can't stray away from no matter what he tries to do to get rid of the feeling. It's not good, not worth it in his opinion for him to be latching (whether that be unwillingly or not) onto something he wants so badly to escape from. It's torture in the worst way possible, really, agonizingly torturous to persistently be haunted by a past he never wanted to occur.

It's even worse, too, knowing how he's got to push it all aside, everything in his life that's currently consuming him minute by minute, with each moment that passes by, and put on a brave face for the outside world. It's even worse knowing he's got to pretend to be okay, pretend like he's doing perfectly fine even though the inside of his mind his slowly killing him with thoughts that seem to linger no matter how much he pushes them away.

He'll be okay, though. Eventually, he will be fine and he knows it, too. One day he won't have to think about Harry or the hurt he passed upon him or the heartbreak he once felt before. One day he'll go back to being normal, go back to being himself, and when that time finally comes around, he'll never want to turn back again. He'll make sure to never, ever go through something like that again.

He's currently sitting alone, on his lunch break during his shift at the radio station, eyes half lidded and straining to stay open while his meal for the day sits mostly untouched on the table around him. He's got his headphones shoved into his ear, his phone propped up in front of him while he attempts to catch up on last week's golf highlights, but it's no use. He keeps tuning himself in and out, halfway falling asleep every five minutes or so only to catch himself and jerk back awake every time. So far, he's wasted almost half of his lunch hour fighting to stay fully awake instead of eating and enjoying his free time for the time being.

There's a quiet sigh that escapes his parted lips, a hand he brings up to the top of his head to card his fingers through his mostly brunet hair, gently tugging at the roots as he does so. Who knew having the past come back to haunt you could be so stressful? He feels like he's done more work trying to escape the past than he's actually done at work today. He wonders how long this is going to last, wonders why he can't seem to forget even though that's the one thing he's got his mind set on right now.

Just as he starts to ruffle his hair with his fingers a bit more, just as he starts to take in a deep breath to relax himself, Niall hears a gentle tap on the table he currently sits behind, gaining his attention faster than he realizes and making his eyes fly open as soon as he hears the noise. He looks up, pulling his headphones out of his ear one side at a time, only to notice his coworker Laura standing right before him. Her blue eyes are kind as she looks down at Niall, a wide and bright smile sitting pretty on her lips. She's one of Niall's best friends and always has been from the day they met each other up until now.

"Hey, Lucky," she calls out to him, earning an audible groan coming from the back of Niall's throat. His eyes playfully roll to the back of his head as soon as her nickname for him comes out, but all that seems to do is make Laura laugh in response. He's still not sure why she insists on calling him lucky charms despite the fact that she's Irish as well, but that hasn't seemed to stop her from doing so at all. In fact, Niall's completely convinced that his distaste for his assigned nickname has provoked Laura a bit. It's a good thing they're great friends, though, or else she'd probably never hear the end of it.

"Hi, Whitty." He feigns annoyance, tries to sound as bored as possible but he's not fooling anyone with that smile that's currently taking over his features, of course not. Laura only jokingly scrunched her face up in return, but as much as she claims to hate that nickname, she seems to enjoy it an awful lot more than she lets on.

"So," she begins to say, the subject taking an immediate turn as she pulls out the chair next to his and takes a seat. "A bunch of us are going out for drinks tonight, you comin'?"

Niall hesitates for a moment, bites his lip and tries not to let his expression show because, if he's being one hundred percent honest, he's not exactly in the mood for socializing and having fun. He's not in the mood that he typically is to be around other people, to put a smile on his face and pretend like he doesn't have a tornado of feelings whirling around and around inside of his head. It's hard enough trying to ignore himself, trying not to think about the thing he's been trying to avoid for almost a year now. But then again, how long can he hide? How long can he go on dodging and tip toeing around his own life before it becomes too much for one person to handle?

It's already a lot, already too much, and he knows it wouldn't be a good thing for him to keep everything bottled up inside. He knows it won't be a good thing in the long run and he's doesn't want to sit and wait around for the turn out to come, for the end before it's all too late.

He doesn't want to go, isn't in the mood to in any way, but maybe this is what he needs for himself. Maybe this is the cure that he needs to finally heal, to finally let go and give up and move on like he's desperately been wanting and hoping to do all along. He's tired of being miserable, exhausted from feeling this way for far too long. It's long overdue, really, and maybe it's about time he start living his life the way he should have been all along, the way he very much do deserves, instead of hanging onto something he'll never be able to get back.

He takes in another short breath, nodding his head before looking Laura in the eye and telling her, "'Course. Why not?" And that's all it takes for her smile to grow as wide as the Cheshire Cat's, for her to reach over and give his fingers a gentle squeeze, letting her hand rest on top of his for a moment before she fully lets go.

"Sweet." Laura cheers happily. It makes Niall feel good inside, the best he's felt all week. "Miss your face sometimes on our nights out. You never come 'round anymore." She complains, her lips protruding out into a small pout.

Niall feels guilty about that, hates the feeling that he gets knowing that he's let people down in some kind of way, whether it be a big deal or not, but he hopes to change that. Vows from this point on that he's going to try from here on out, that he's going to make the effort to get back to the person he was once before.

"'M sorry about that," Niall mutters shamefully, feeling a bit embarrassed about the fact now that he's heard it out loud, loud and clear. "It's just..."

"I know." Laura nods understandingly, and she does, knows about everything that's happened with Niall over the span of a few months, everything he's been through up until this point. She's been there right by his side most of the way, been right there to try and help lift him back up especially when he needed her the most. He's not sure what he'd do without her, truthfully. Couldn't be more thankful to have someone like Laura around. "But it's okay. Better late than never, yeah? Besides, there's always room for you 'round, you know that."

"Yeah," Niall says, lets out a short, breathy laugh, because he knows, always has, too. "I know."

"Good." Laura send Niall her best, award winning smile, before she pushes her chair out and stands up once again. "I'll text you later on, 'kay? Bye, Lucky!"

There's manicured fingers tousling through his hair all of a sudden, another hand reaching forward to steal away some of the food he hasn't bothered to eat, and that's all Niall can take in before she's gone in a flash, so quick that Niall's not even sure if Laura had actually been here or not. He laughs a little to himself, quietly muttering the word 'idiot' underneath his breath and shaking his head as he goes to pack up his things scattered around non top of the table he currently occupies. Already he feels a lot better, already he feels like this could be the start of something greater for himself and he couldn't be happier. Happier than he's felt in such a long time. He just hopes this feeling will lasts, hopes this happiness will stay for the long run. He'll just have to wait and see.

***

Niall's name is called out as soon as he steps further into the bar. He finds Laura sitting off to his right at a table near the middle of the room that's everyone who's been invited tonight already occupies as well. Laura's smile is wide and welcoming, her blue eyes glistening all the way from across the room even under the dull fluorescence of the pub's lighting. She wiggles her fingers at him, arm up high in the air as she waves him over, and Niall doesn't hesitate to move, to follow the motion of her hand until he's stood right before her and the table she sits at.

"Niall, you came!" She all but squeals, leaning forward in her chair to wrap her arms around Niall's slim frame for a moment. She smells good, like expensive perfume and a bit like flowers, a subtle hint of the beer she's drinking peeking through, but it's barely noticeable.

"Told you I was." Niall snorts as they pull away from the quick embrace they've just shared. He takes the seat she's apparently saved for him, greets the rest of the table filled with more coworkers and friends of his, takes the time out to introduce himself to the faces he hasn't seen before until now, to the ones he isn't familiar with yet.

"Well," she says with a simple lift of her shoulder, "you can never be too sure. I ordered you a beer, s'that okay?"

_Is that okay?_ Niall repeats to himself inside of his head. "Do you know who I am?" He pretends to be shocked, dramatically placing a hand over his heart and leaning back in his chair. " _Shut up_ ," Laura snickers, playfully swatting at his arm and sliding over the glass bottle she ordered for Niall his way. His fingers fold themselves around the neck of the sweaty bottle, wet with the cool condensation that drops down the sides until they form into a small puddle at the bottom and soak into the wood of the table. He takes a sip, letting the alcohol wash down his throat and settle into the pit of his stomach, instantly making him feel warm as soon as he starts to drink, making him feel loose and calm with just one gulp.

Niall's glad he chose to come out tonight, glad that he gets to take his mind off of everything if only for a few hours instead of sulking in his own misery like he would've been doing if he'd chosen to stay in instead. And it's not as if he doesn't go out, it's not as if he refuses to ever do anything with his life whenever he's got free time, but he can't deny that the past couple of weeks have been a bit weird for him, can't deny that he hasn't been slipping back to his old way, back to the days when things felt the hardest and he thought he'd never be able to pick himself back up again. He knows he has, knows he's been starting to revert back to the person he was about a year ago, but now he's learning how to fix that problem before it happens. Now he's determined to try not put himself in that position again.

Time is all he needs, really. That and something to distract him, things to keep him from going back.

Niall engages in conversation for the rest of the time, mostly with Laura but he makes sure to be included with everyone else around him, too. He laughs like he should, jokes like he always seems to, has a good time like he's known to do from time to time. And it's great, it feels good to be having fun for a change. It feels good to be able to let his mind and his thoughts off duty for the time being.

Soon enough, most of their group starts to stray, some going to the bar to order more drink, others going to play a round of pool or use the bathroom or whatever else it is that they've decided to do with their time. Niall stays back at the table with Laura, the two of them stuck in their own little conversation like they have been for most of the night.

"Remember when I first met you?" Laura asks out of the blue, softly bumping her shoulder into Niall's. There's a fond look in her eyes, a hint of nostalgia swimming in the clear of her irises that makes Niall want to go back in time just so he can relive that moment all over again, maybe let his past self know how much of a wonderful friend that Laura would be to him in the near future. It sounds nice.

"Yeah," Niall snorts out a laugh, picturing that day so clearly in his mind just like it had happened yesterday. "You were piss drunk and started makin' out with me, how could I forget?"

"Oh God," Laura groans around a giggle, attempting to hide her face away behind her hands in embarrassment but it's no use since Niall can already pinpoint the way her skin starts to redden, a harsh blush creeping up her body that she can't disguise no matter how hard she tries. "And you let me, too. You let me snog you for like five minutes straight and then when I finally pulled away you looked me dead in the eyes and told me you were gay. Never been so embarrassed in me life."

"Didn't have the heart to tell you." Niall shrugs like it's no big deal, which now it kind of isn't, really. Well, not anymore, anyway. "You were so keen, I couldn't just turn you down like that. Not with that face."

"I can't believe you actually let me do that. What were you thinking?"

" _Me_?" Niall's eyes widen. "What were _you_ thinkin'?"

"Exactly, I wasn't. I didn't drink for like an entire week after that."

"Wow." Niall starts to clap, pretends to get up from his seat and give Laura her own standing ovation. "A whole week, a full seven days. I'm so proud of you, Whitty."

Laura starts to tug on Niall's arms to get him to sit down once again. "Sit down, you dick," she tells him, but it's all in good fun, nothing but harmless banter between the both of them like there always is when they get together. There's never a dull moment with Laura, Niall comes to find, always some good laughs shared and great memories created to look back on in time that they'll never forget. This is how it should always be, he thinks. This is the kind of life he needs to live, the kind of life that he hopes he never gets stripped of from here on out again.

It's when their laughter finally starts to settle down that he hears it, a sudden call of a name he wishes he'd never have to hear again, wishes would just leave his mind forever and never come back, but apparently even that's too much for him to ask for. It catches him off guard for the most part, has him on sudden alert once he hears it, gets his heart pumping so fast and so loud it's almost as if he can hear his own heartbeat clear as day right in his ears.

A cheerful chorus of the name Harold gets yelled out from the front of the pub just as a new customer makes an appearance and it's almost like the whole world stops right then and right there. He doesn't want to turn around to see who it is that it might be, but it's almost like a natural reflex for him at this point, like it's in his nature to do just that despite his heart and his mind screaming at him not to, despite his inner protests against his own actions.

Niall whips his head around humiliatingly fast as soon as he catches the name, as soon as he makes out the nickname people used to give Harry, the one that he always despised the most more than anything. His heart is stuck in his throat as he looks around, as he studies the scene, but much to his assumptions, what he initially thought he'd see turns out to be the complete opposite.

It isn't Harry, he soon realizes. It isn't even anyone remotely close to being Harry at all, either, and he's not sure what he expected to see, can't tell if he actually wanted it to be just that or not, but thank god it isn't. He's not sure what he would have done if he were to run into his ex again for the second time in the span of just a few days. Better yet, he doesn't want to know, figures he'd he better off no knowing in the end. He doesn't think he's mentally (or physically) prepared for that moment to come, if it ever did.

"You okay, Ni?" He hears Laura asking him from where she's still perched beside him. He feels a little too far from reality at this point, feels like his mind isn't completely here anymore like it just was all but five minutes ago.

"Y-yeah," he stutters, frowning, his ears heating up and turning red hot with the embarrassment he feels from within. Jesus fucking Christ, he's got to get it together. He's got to get it together fast. "I'm—'M fine."

From the look on Laura's face, she's not really buying his excuse at all, but she doesn't dwell on it. She says nothing more, and for that Niall couldn't be more thankful. He's already mortified enough, doesn't need to be anything beyond that at this point. Although he claims to be fine, although he says that he's nothing but, on the inside, he doesn't exactly feel like it. Inside he feels crazy, like a madman gone completely insane and he doesn't know what to do. And for the rest of the night Niall stays quiet, the complete opposite of how he's been up until now. For the rest of the night his thoughts can't seem to steer clear of Harry even though he's been trying so hard to keep thoughts of him away.

Maybe this is how it's supposed to be, he starts to convince himself. Maybe he'll never be able to get away.


	4. like we're back to square one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"You look like shit, mate." ___

That night Niall lays in bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling fan high above his head as he watches it spin around and around. It's been hours since he's gotten home, since he left the pub after wishing a goodnight to Laura and to everyone else that joined them for a much needed night out. It's been hours yet here he is, sitting wide awake, his mind racing with thoughts that shouldn't occupy his brain at the moment but are anyway; it's beyond his control at this point.

It's stupid, how his thoughts always seem to trace back to the last person he should even be focused on, to the one person who he's been so adamant about leaving in the past only for him to stay right where he is, right where Niall has tried to push him away all along. It's not fair, come to think of it. It's not fair how just when Niall was learning to get over it, just when he was beginning to move on from a point he never wanted to revisit ever again, the one person he's worked so hard on forgetting just so happens to pop up into his life seemingly out of nowhere, without any warning whatsoever. He's thought about it a lot since then, since seeing Harry that day in the bookstore for the first time in what felt like years, in what felt like forever. Thought about why it happened, what the whole point of having his ex boyfriend come back into the life he was just starting to live on his own is. He's thought about it a lot, more than he really needs to, but sadly it still doesn't make any sense. He just can't understand it all.

If this is all in his life's plan, then why? To make him feel miserable? To mock him, show him how shitty is life gets to be now that they're no longer in each other's pictures, how much better off Harry is knowing he's no longer tied down to Niall like he apparently was the entire time they were together? Is this what fate feels like? Is this all that's written in his cards? He hopes not. Hopes there'll be something better out there for him one day. Hopes that maybe one day he'll be as happy with his life like he once was before, that maybe he'll find somebody he can share his days with, with somebody that can make him happier than Harry ever did.

But it seems impossible now. Especially since he can't seem to stop dwelling on the past, especially since he can't seem to move on from the one person he knows he should have long gotten over by now. But he hasn't, and no matter how much he wants to say he's wrong, he knows it's nothing but the truth. He knows that he won't get the thought of Harry out of his head anytime soon, knows that his mind will always come back to him regardless of what he tells himself, whether he wants it to or not. Because truthfully, no matter how hard he tries to deny it, Harry has always been a big part of Niall's thoughts. Especially lately, especially now that the topic of Harry has been reopened again like an unsolved case, now that Harry's kind of sort of been brought back into Niall's life in one way or another. No matter how hard Niall tries to deny it now (and he does, there's no doubt about it), it's always been him. It's always been Harry, right from the start, when things were and when things fell apart. Hell, it's still him, and it'll always be him, he feels. To this day, Harry's still it for Niall, and although he hates to even think it, refuses to accept it, although Harry has hurt him more than he thought anyone ever could, it's true and he'd be a fool if he ever tried to say otherwise.

Honestly, Niall doesn't think there's anyone else out there for him. And it's mad to say, crazy to think such a thing when there are billions of other people that occupy this planet—how can there be just one person? He feels pathetic just thinking about it, feels stupid knowing everything he went through after Harry removed himself from the life they shared, knowing exactly what Harry did to him, how he split Niall's heart in two, how he didn't even think twice about it, and yet he still can't help but put Harry on this pedestal even though deep down he knows he doesn't deserve that anymore. It's kind of pitiful to think about, and in a way Niall feels a little ashamed, but it's not like he can help it. Because he's tried, he's tried so damn hard; he was nearly there. Nearly on his way to finally letting Harry go for good, but then everything that he worked on building up for himself came crashing down in the blink of an eye, with just two words, with just one glance each other's way.

And Niall lays in bed, the need to sleep long gone from his mind, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about the last person who should be on his mind, especially given the hour. He lays in bed, wide awake, thinking about what could have been, thinking about the what if's, the maybe's, the why's, about the one person he wishes he had the strength to move on from forever, for good, until he can't any longer. He lays like this in bed with his mind wandering aimlessly until his eyes can no longer fight to stay open and dreams of what it would be like if Harry were still by his side consume him. In his dreams, it feels just like old times. In his dreams, it feels like everything is alright.

***

"You look like shit, mate."

Sometimes Niall can't decide what he hates the most about his friendship with Louis, the fact that he's become so used to Louis' blunt personality that he has no other choice than to just tolerate it at this point, or the fact that he's even let himself become (or better yet _stay_ ) friends with him in the first place; he's not sure. Niall supposes he's right, though, there's absolutely no way he doesn't look like shit when he feels like nothing but that on the inside to begin with. He wants to say it's not his fault, wants to blame it on anything else he possibly can besides himself, but he knows no one else is to blame but him. Maybe if he'd just stop spending his free time (and basically any of his time) thinking about ex-boyfriends and the past and what his future could have possibly been if said ex-boyfriend had kept himself in the picture he wouldn't feel like a complete mess, but sadly it's all he ever seems to do nowadays. Like he's said before, it's quite unfair. It's definitely not fair that he's so attached to someone who doesn't belong to him anymore when the other gets to live his life freely, new and fresh and sans Niall like he currently is. It isn't fair, no, but it's also pointless to dwell on the fact when he's got no power to change it at all. So maybe he should quit, maybe he should try and get over it again before this whole harboring over his ex-boyfriend thing eats him alive entirely.

And to think he thought he was better than this at one point. To think he once made a vow to himself that he'd leave the past in the past and move on; ha. Funny how life and the mind works, isn't it?

"Yeah, thanks." Niall replies sarcastically, flashing Louis the best fake smile he can possibly manage. "There's this new thing I'm trying out," he mentions bitterly, "s'called not getting any sleep."

"Are you okay?" Louis bothers to ask just like he always seems to do with Niall; it's getting kind of old, he feels. And not that he doesn't appreciate it, 'cause he does, Niall's so grateful for Louis, he is, but it's just... the more he's asked, the more he has to admit to himself that he's not and, to be honest, he's just not ready to own up to that yet. And he knows, he knows he hasn't been one hundred percent fine in a while, knows he hasn't been himself for quite some time, but he's not ready for it to be true. He doesn't want it to be set in stone. "Because, like, it's okay if you're not, you know?"

"I know." Niall nods, head hanging low as he stirs the rest of what's left of his drink around in his cup with his straw. And it's just a drink, he's aware, but it brings back so many memories, memories of a time he's still trying (and failing, unfortunately) to move on from. Back when he and Harry used to take trips to the cafe where it's from like they owned the place. It was Harry's favorite, and because of that it soon became one of Niall's too. They practically lived there, the associates that worked there knew them by name even, and he's not just saying this because it's Harry, but it's one of the best cafes Niall has ever been to in his life. It's the one thing Niall refused to let go of after their breakup, the one thing he refused to give up because of Harry. He refused to let him take every piece of him, he at least deserved to keep one thing to himself.

Niall sighs quietly to himself, leaning back on the bench he and Louis are currently sitting upon and let's his eyes roam over the park before them, the bright green grass that covers the field. He takes everything in, breathes in and out slowly, watches Louis' dog trot around like the happy little pet that he is. Tries not to think about when he and Harry talked about getting a dog together, tries not to think about anything that pertains to Harry in general. He's tired, quite frankly. Thinking about him and his green eyes and his bright smile and the hair he can sometimes still feel slipping between his fingertips is kind of exhausting. Maybe that's another reason why he's so drained next to not getting as much sleep as he'd like. He always knew that Harry was a prominent being, always knew how capable Harry was of consuming every bit of a person without even realizing it himself, yet... Yet here he is, still letting Harry steal pieces of him, bit by bit, even long after they grew apart. It's a shame, really. The actual worst.

"I think Liam's little housewarming party this weekend will be good for you, yeah?" Louis mentions after a while of silence. He glances Niall's way for a moment, a small encouraging smile placed strategically on his lips that Niall can't help but reciprocate once he sees it. Louis has a way of making people feel good without even trying sometimes. "It's been a while, I think you might need a bit of a distraction."

Well, he isn't wrong about that. So Niall nods, let's his lungs fill up with air again before he releases it and agrees, "yeah. Probably. It has been a while since we've all been together."

"About that..." Louis rakes his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. "I won't be going with you."

Niall frowns. "What, why?"

"I must've mixed some dates up or something, I don't know, but Eleanor's got this thing that I promised I'd go to with her and it's kind of really important, so."

"We've known about this for weeks." Niall says with a sigh; it's not so much as frustrating as it sounds, but more disappointing in a way. He's been looking forward to this, to getting their old group back together and hanging out just like old times. Minus a person of course, but that's... it's only for the better now, anyway. And like Louis said, it's been a while and Niall kind of needs this right now, he does.

"Yeah, I know, but." He trails off, waving his hands around in the air as if that's supposed to help Niall understand whatever it is that he's trying to tell him. News flash: it doesn't. "We—we almost broke up, y'know, and I'm really trying not to fuck things up with her. I'm sure Liam will understand, yeah? I'll just, like, take him out and get him pissed and he'll forget all about it."

"No, I get it." Niall shrugs. He wouldn't want another relationship around here to end if it doesn't have to. And besides, he really likes Louis and Eleanor together, has always thought they were the perfect match for each other, so in the end he doesn't really mind. Not that he has a say so anyway, but. "S'fine, Louis."

"And Zayn's coming back into town, too." Louis goes on, trying to make it all better like he always tends to do. "He'll be there, I know you miss him."

He does. He misses Zayn a lot actually, hasn't seen him in so long, a few months too many, so it'll be nice to see him again after all this time. He was just another thing that was taken away from him after he and Harry's split, his best friend since university moving back to his home town just only a few short months after Harry left him; Niall hates thinking about it.

"'Sides," Louis continues without even waiting for Niall's response, "Liam's a very sympathetic person. I'll be fine. And—and we can always all meet up together someday. Soon. We've got time, yeah?"

"It's probably for the better that you don't go anyway." A taunting smile starts to form on Niall's lips. "You tend to get a little crazy around the other lads, anyway. Remember the last time when you—"

"Okay! Okay, I get it. Shut up."

And if Niall almost falls out of his seat from laughing so hard, Louis only helps him by pushing him over the rest of the way. Niall can't exactly say that he's surprised at all. He doesn't even mind.

***

As Niall suspected, the first person he sees when he finally makes it to Liam's is Liam himself. His smile is wide and bright, his white teeth gleaming like a set of diamonds glistening in the sunlight as he walks over to Niall; he looks good. Liam genuinely looks happy, glowing in a way Niall has never seen him shine before, in a way that makes Niall feel like he's filled with joy just from looking at him. And not that Liam has never been happy, because he always has, has always been the one to lift up anyone he ever happened to come in contact with's spirits just by being him, but he looks ethereal in a way, the best he possibly can. It's a good look on him, Niall finds. He's always wanted nothing but the best for Liam, he has.

Liam greets him with a bear-like hug, engulfing Niall's smaller frame in his arms and squeezing him gently, picking Niall's body up just a bit until his feet are barely grazing the wood floors before he sets him back down again. He's always been a pretty affectionate guy, and Niall's always loved that about him. It's one of Liam's best traits.

"Niall, mate, looking good!" Liam chimes like his words are lyrics to a song as he holds Niall at arms length, causing his cheeks to heat up in the slightest way. He can't help it, plus he's known for blushing quite easily anyway.

"Speak for yourself," Niall snorts, playfully letting his eyes roll back. "My cheeks are starting to hurt looking at your smile. Congrats on the new house, by the way."

Apparently Liam's smile is capable of growing even wider because that's exactly what it does when Niall mentions it. "Thanks, man," his eyes crinkle a bit, "we love it. I am absolutely _buzzing_."

"I can tell."

"C'mon, come in," Liam leads Niall further inside, one hand resting against the blade of Niall's shoulder. The house is gorgeous when Niall takes it in as they navigate through the hallways. It's nothing too extravagant, nothing too extreme, but it is nice and cozy, very homey, and it's perfect, it's the perfect match for them. "Cheryl's around here somewhere, but I'm sure you'll see her soon. Oh, and there's some people I want you to meet, too, if that's alright."

Niall nods, silently agreeing and following close by Liam as he leads them both into the dining area of his home. There are a few familiar faces Niall notices on the way, people he hasn't seen in a while, some he speaks to frequently, others he's never seen before in his life. It's a good thing Niall is fairly sociable, also a good thing that he's never had much trouble when it comes to speaking with others so he has nothing to worry about much. He still wishes Louis could have made it, though. Would've been nice to have him around. He'll make sure to brag later on about how much fun they had without him, Niall's knows that'll get him going for sure.

Niall greets the people Liam introduces him to politely, joins in a few conversations here and there with anyone and everyone he can. Of course at some point he gets a plate of food shoved into his hands, a bottle of cold beer to accompany it, and it doesn't take long until Niall feels completely settled in, completely welcomed in the area around him and he lets go. He lets his mind unwind and pushes any of his previous unwanted thoughts aside and lives in the moment just like he should've been doing all along. It feels good, feels nice to let himself get lost for a while, to forget about his own life even if only for a little while. And he hasn't been here long, but it seems as though Louis was right. Being here is definitely proving to be good for him already.

His night gets even better once his best mate Zayn finally arrives. If it weren't for Liam shouting out his name from across the room loud enough for everyone to hear, Niall thinks he probably would have sensed his presence either way; Zayn's got that kind of thing about him, a particular aura that you just can't ignore whenever he's around.

Niall watches the embrace Liam and Zayn share as he makes his way over to the both of them, feels awfully nostalgic for a moment as he suddenly starts to remember all the good times the three of them have shared together. All the moments that were so worthwhile before life interrupted and they all had to go their separate ways for the time being. But they're here now, they're together right now, and that's all that really matters most to Niall.

"Niall, s'that you?" Zayn grins awfully wide once Niall comes into view. He can't help but reciprocate that smile, it'd be hard for him not to especially given how long it's been since the two of them have been in the same room. "So you really are actually doing this whole brunet thing? I thought you were trolling everyone."

He's pulled into Zayn's body then, slim tattooed arms wrapping around Niall's frame and holding tight. He still smells the same as Niall remembers, still the same Zayn that he's always known with maybe just a few more tattoos added to his collection this time around and a different hairstyle, but it's not as though Niall expected him to change much at all.

"Is it that bad?" Niall snorts playfully, all in good fun.

Zayn shrugs a shoulder, "just as good," he says, and Niall knows he means it if the look in his hazel eyes is anything to go by.

" _Phew_ ," Niall sighs in playful relief, lifting a hand up to his forehead and pretending to wipe the invisible sweat away. "Thank god you like it. I was counting on your final decision after all."

"Shut up," Zayn snickers like it's the funniest thing, just like he always does whenever Niall lets his sarcastic side come out to play. Niall misses that laugh a lot; it's something familiar to him, something that takes him back to the good times, to all those months ago when things seemed much, much simpler. He starts to wonder if they'll ever feel that way again. "I hope you're not going to start bullying me again like you always would in uni now that I'm back because–"

"Wait," Niall blinks a few times, eyes gone wide as he looks back at Zayn and repeats his words in his head a few more times just to make sure he'd heard him correctly. "You're back?"

And just as Zayn opens his mouth to answer, his lips twitching with that award winning smile forming on his face, he's interrupted by the sound of a doorbell ringing throughout the room that they're currently standing in. They both look towards Liam who's still hanging out beside them, and in return he sends them a polite smile, sticking up a finger in the air as if to tell them that he'll just be a moment. "Excuse me," he says, already turning in the opposite direction and heading towards his front door. "You two catch up, I'll only be a second!"

"Well, he's still a dork I see."

"Yeah," Niall chuckles a bit, nodding. "Don't think that's ever going to change."

Without having to say anything, without even realizing it either, eventually Zayn and Niall both start to drift further away from the rest of the party. It's still noisy around them, loud chatter and laughter and all around good vibes from everyone else that surrounds them still very present, but it's easy to tune out, easy to ignore for the time being. Besides, sometimes Niall kind of prefers it this way, and it's no secret that Zayn does, too. He's always been sort of the introvert compared to Niall and the rest of their friends, but Niall doesn't mind. It's just another quality of Zayn's that he's grown accustomed to, it's just something else that he understands about him.

"So you're back?" Niall brings the conversation back up again. He drags his thumb across the rim of his beer nearly empty bottle that he still holds as he awaits an answer, feeling awfully giddy inside now that there's a possibility that he could be getting back another piece of his life that he happened to lose after it seemed like he had lost it all at one point. He doesn't want to get his hopes up too soon, though. Right now, the idea kind of sounds far too good to be true, but he's got hope. He's got hope that something in his life will start to come together again.

And Zayn just nods, smiles even wider now that the truth is out, tongue pushing up behind his teeth and eyes crinkling up at the sides just like they always do. "Yeah," he says proudly, "I needed to go back home for a while, y'know, be with my family for a bit, but yeah, 'm back, I guess."

"Like– for good, or?"

"Well yeah– I mean, I'm always gonna go back home every now and then, but just not permanently. Not like it was ever for the long run anyway. I told you I'd be back, though, didn't I?"

"You did but I never knew when." Niall shrugs, thinking back to the first time Zayn had announced that he would be moving back home for some time. The thought kind of makes him feel weird, though, makes shivers run down his spine for some reason. Brings him back to a time where it felt like everything was falling apart and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

"Well, I'm here now," a tattooed arm wraps around Niall's shoulders all of a sudden, bringing him in until his face is smushed into Zayn's neck and Niall's swatting at Zayn's body until he's set free again. "S'gonna be hard to get rid of me from here on out."

"One thing I don't miss is your clinginess." Niall whines, making a face when Zayn starts to hold him closer at the same time Niall attempts to push him away. For a skinny guy he sure is a strong one, that's for sure. "Get off of me."

Zayn lets out a loud cackle, but he listens to Niall's requests and lets go of him nonetheless. "You love it, don't lie." He purses his lips, sending Niall a knowing look, and yeah, he kind of does, but Niall's not going to admit that out loud, no. Not that Zayn isn't aware anyway.

"Whatever."

"C'mon," Zayn snickers as he drapes his arm around Niall's shoulders once again and starts to walk them towards. "Let's go get some more drinks, yeah?"

Niall glances down at the practically empty bottle in his hands and figures that he could go for another one. Of course he could, when does he ever not? So he nods, let's Zayn lead them towards to the dining area and where the rest of the crowd awaits. They don't quite reach their destination yet before Niall stops himself in his tracks, before he stops moving all together like his feet have been cemented to the floor and it's physically impossible for him to go any further.

Because there, stood right before him, is the last person he planned on seeing tonight, the last person he expected to see for a very long time now of he didn't need to. Because there, standing right before his eyes, is the one person he's been trying to rid his mind of for weeks now, smiling like he's never been happier, dimples deep just like Niall always loved them to be as he stands in front of Liam and his girlfriend Cheryl who seem just as happy to be his very presence.

Niall watches on in shock, completely frozen, staring at his ex-boyfriend like he's never seen his face before in his entire life. Sometimes he wishes he never did. Harry looks just as good as he did when the happened to run into each other at the bookstore just a few short weeks ago, and that alone angers him to the core. But that anger turns into a melancholy feeling Niall wants nothing more than to escape from when he takes in the person standing close beside him—Jax is the name that Niall remembers, Harry's new boyfriend—little to no room in between, hand resting dangerously low on Harry's back with his thumb rubbing small circles into his skin like he doesn't even realize he's doing so at all.

It makes him feel a little sick, gets his heart breaking in the middle of his chest all over again, just like the very first time, if not worse. He's not sure what he's done to deserve this at all, but whatever it was, Niall does nothing but regret it now. It's not fair, why does nothing seem fair anymore?

"Niall, what–" Zayn starts to question, thick eyebrows furrowing as soon as he takes in Niall's stance, but he stops himself from going any further once he takes a look in the direction Niall's gaze follows. " _Shit_ ," he curses underneath his breath like he knows, understanding the situation completely, right off the bat, without even having to be informed of anything at all.

"Hey, Ni, come on," Zayn tells him softly, sympathetic and caring like he's known to be at times like this. He's always been good at this kind of thing, though. Ever since the two became friends, Zayn has had always been good at comforting Niall.

Zayn starts to gently tug on Niall's arm, and once Niall gets the memo, once his mind starts to come back to him, he complies, pushes himself forward to follow Zayn in another direction and head somewhere else that Harry doesn't occupy. But just like that, as Niall starts to leave, a wave of deja vu comes washing over, bringing him back to the day at the bookstore, when Harry turns his head and their eyes meet for the second time in weeks.

Harry's smile falters as soon as they lock gazes while Niall's heart sinks deep down to the pit of his stomach. And that's it before he scurries, before he turns away and leaves the room without a single second thought, with Zayn trailing not far behind and his mind going back to the one place he's been trying to get away from all along.

Circles it feels like he's been going in. Right back to square one.


End file.
